Culture Local

Desperate Americans Ransack Closets in Search of Wii Fit Balance Board

CLEVELAND- Quarantined Americans reached a breaking point on Tuesday as thousands began tearing apart closets in search of their Wii Fit Balance Board. “Goddamn it, where did I put that thing,” muttered John Archer, 41, digging through boxes of holiday decor. Experts believe over 100,000 units of the 2006 exercise toy still exist globally, stored in basement cabinets and attic tote bins.

“As quarantined individuals become desperate for diversion, we’ll see them romanticize minigames like “Super Hula Hoop” and “Penguin Slide,” which kind of sucked,” wrote physician Sara Renaut. “Nostalgia can quickly turn to panic if patients they think they sold the equipment at a garage sale or community swap.”

The fact that Americans are breaking out their Wiis “should raise alarms,” said Dr. Richard Burton. “You’ve got people calibrating sensor bars and untangling Nunchuk controllers. Who the fuck has time for that?” wrote Dr. Burton.

“I’m pretty sure I gave it to our nephew,” confessed Laura Archer.   “I even threw in one of those Mario Kart wheels.” At press time Mr. Archer was seen frantically rummaging for his “Wii Sports: Resort” disc.

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