Congress Declares “Buy Two, Receive One” Deal on Ventilator Equipment

WASHINGTON- Members of Congress proudly declared a “buy two, receive one” deal on ventilator equipment for New York hospital networks on Sunday. “The Senate is proud to meet the state of New York nearly halfway on its current needs,” declared Senator Mitch McConnell, unfurling a banner marked “Mission Accomplished.” 

“We didn’t want New Yorkers to think we’d forgotten them,” said Vice-President Mike Pence. “In between writing blank checks for auto dealers and national banks, we decided to extend this exclusive offer to our friends in the Empire State.” 

Experts confirm this is the lowest deal the federal government may offer the East Coast until Thanksgiving 2020. 

“Black Friday is an entirely different beast,” Pence conceded. “We’ve floated some BOGO deals on resuscitation gear and hospital beds but we don’t want people crowding the stores, joke intended,” he laughed. “Don’t want to flood the market with ventilators,” added McConnell, “the last thing is a one to one patient to ventilator ratio.”

In the meantime, the senator recommended New York legislators sign up for the Senate Rewards program, to receive Early Bird specials on the life-saving equipment. “As soon as new equipment becomes available, we will make sure to store it somewhere nobody, not even we, can touch it.”


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