NEW YORK- Ebola CEO Steve Brenhauer took the virus’s PR Team to task on Thursday, threatening layoffs amid falling publicity. “Jesus Christ they’re wiping the floor with us!” shouted the beleaguered CEO to assembled staff. Cases of Ebola, once considered a virus prodigy in 2014, were quickly surpassed by the coronavirus in early March, to shareholders’ dismay. “Those guys downstairs are working nights and weekends but they get results,” spat Brenhauer, referring to the East Coast COVID branch, recently opened on the building’s third floor.
The irate CEO, famous for rescuing bird flu’s public image in the mid-00s, took Ebola with the expectation of a “lay-up.” “When I got here the sky was the limit for you guys,” sighed Brenhauer. “When’s the last time someone brought home some Ebola for the family, 2009?” He seethed, flipping a chair for effect.
Some employees credit the losses to big name transfers. “I mean when we lost Jacobs to Zika in 2015, alarms started going off. Guys like that separate us from the losers at H1N1,” confided staffer Mary Shreiber.
Others noted a lack of job security. “It’s hard to resist signing somewhere safe like Flu, you know? It’s a seasonal gig, sure, but the job’s always gonna be there,” shrugged one company veteran. At press time, Brenhauer was overheard begging SARS London for his former position.
The (Near) New York Times 