CLEVELAND- On Friday, the zombified corpse of Dr. Anthony Fauci recommended Americans donate all surplus brains to the CDC. “My colleagues and I believe the COVID-19 outbreak is contained. As a precaution, the CDC requests that citizens give any extra brains to us immediately. For testing,” Dr. Fauci added, licking his lips.
Members of the press corps expressed concern for Fauci’s appearence at press time. “The stress from the job is clear. His nose fell off mid-sentence,” remarked Tanya Strong of Reuters. “At one point he just started screeching.”
Per the CDC, Dr. Fauci will be personally visiting morticians in the D.C. area to be on the front lines of the new campaign. “You can tell the man cares,” professed Michael Lieberman, a funeral home director. “He said needed a moment alone in the cadaver room. He was down there for hours, just sniffling and howling.”
“We are aware that complications from COVID-19 may have rendered Dr. Fauci undead,” expressed CDC liaison Raj Patel. “However, as he is the leading expert on the virus, we have to see where he’s going with this whole brains thing.”
The (Near) New York Times 