Culture Local Nonsense

A Letter from Dr. Hospital, Staff Physician

Dear Reader,

As staff physician here at The Near New York Times, I’d like to offer some tips to combat community spread. You are likely already engaged in self-isolation; if you are the artist Prince, you’ve been doing this since 2016, while scientists work on a cure for death. To ensure the containment of COVID-19, please heed these additional recommendations:

  1. Maintain space between you and others. Tis includes friends, family, and raccoons.
  2. Avoid touching your face, especially if things get physical with, say, eleven raccoons.
  3. Connect with others by text and email. If you receive a tiny scrawled note citing
    “materials” in the trash your wife wouldn’t want to see, respond in writing.
  4. Reserve trips to Walgreens for emergencies, such as using the in-store ATM to withdraw $300,000 and purchasing an unmarked envelope.
  5. Don’t overbuy on limited items: 1-2 rolls of toilet paper, a bar of soap, and 34 bottles
    of melatonin. Tat oughta show those fuckers.
  6. Limit time spent outdoors to exercise and carefully balancing the bribe money atop the trash receptacles.
  7. Wash your hands before handling food, like injecting a rotten pear with your improvised sedative.
  8. Wait to retrieve packages until delivery workers have left the porch. While you’re out
    there, see if those dickheads took the bait.
  9. Fuck, fuck, fuck, you killed their prime minister.
  10. Don’t burden first responders; only call for help if the raccoons successfully enter your home and they are armed.
  11. Keep ambient noise to a minimum; if you have silencers, use them.
  12. Internet providers say connections are over-taxed; only log-on to stream last wishes from the cellar.
  13. Get in touch with your faith; pray to whatever god you hold dear before taking out as many of those fuckers as you can.
  14. Drink lots of water.

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