Dear Reader,
As staff physician here at The Near New York Times, I’d like to offer some tips to combat community spread. You are likely already engaged in self-isolation; if you are the artist Prince, you’ve been doing this since 2016, while scientists work on a cure for death. To ensure the containment of COVID-19, please heed these additional recommendations:
- Maintain space between you and others. Tis includes friends, family, and raccoons.
- Avoid touching your face, especially if things get physical with, say, eleven raccoons.
- Connect with others by text and email. If you receive a tiny scrawled note citing
“materials” in the trash your wife wouldn’t want to see, respond in writing. - Reserve trips to Walgreens for emergencies, such as using the in-store ATM to withdraw $300,000 and purchasing an unmarked envelope.
- Don’t overbuy on limited items: 1-2 rolls of toilet paper, a bar of soap, and 34 bottles
of melatonin. Tat oughta show those fuckers. - Limit time spent outdoors to exercise and carefully balancing the bribe money atop the trash receptacles.
- Wash your hands before handling food, like injecting a rotten pear with your improvised sedative.
- Wait to retrieve packages until delivery workers have left the porch. While you’re out
there, see if those dickheads took the bait. - Fuck, fuck, fuck, you killed their prime minister.
- Don’t burden first responders; only call for help if the raccoons successfully enter your home and they are armed.
- Keep ambient noise to a minimum; if you have silencers, use them.
- Internet providers say connections are over-taxed; only log-on to stream last wishes from the cellar.
- Get in touch with your faith; pray to whatever god you hold dear before taking out as many of those fuckers as you can.
- Drink lots of water.
The (Near) New York Times 