Culture

Irresponsible: Jesus Exits Tomb Three Days Into Shelter-In-Place Order

JERUSALEM- Backlash from community members was swift after Jesus Christ, 33, exited his tomb residence three days into the Kingdom of David’s shelter-in-place order on Friday. The carpenter and spiritual leader flouted health advisories to visit friends in several towns in the greater Jerusalem area.

Government officials expressed outrage at the man’s seeming omnipresence in the countryside despite risks of contamination. One such appearance of the son of God involved a dinner party with twelve men from all over the country. “We walk in there and you’ve got people spanning Judea to Galilee, no masks, sharing wine. You can’t make this stuff up,” said Sionis Rex, a Roman soldier. Rex added that Christ had exited the room prior to his arrival but not before allegedly touching both food and drink in the residence.

Though some have called for public action, health experts stress patience. “What we don’t need now is crowds gathering and seeking this guy out,” cautioned governor Pontius Pilate. “I’m asking that Judeans remain inside and ask Mr. Christ to return to his tomb if they chance upon him.”

At press time, Christ was rumored to have touched a leper, stoking fears of community spread.

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