Local Nonsense

FAQ: How to File Your Taxes

For most Americans and some Canadians, tax season can be a headscratcher and moosetonguer, respectively. Never fear! Our staff nabbed an off-brand tax software, RocketMoney ™, to find you returns big enough to impress friends but small enough to delay that career-ending audit. Here’s some answers to your most frequently asked questions!

  1. “Does it matter which state I file in?”

Nope! Choose whichever one’s your favorite. If it’s not your actual address, be sure to write “whoopsie” in the Additional Information section.

2. “What if I made donations to non-profts?”

RocketMoney™ calls these “reverse taxes.” It means you can steal goods of equal value without penalty, provided you don’t tell anyone and direct the authorities to your middle school gym teacher!

3. “What happens if I file past the extended deadline?”

At first, nothing. Then, a tall man in a Yo Gabba Gabba costume shows up and kills the power to your house. Survive the night and your return is good to go!

4. What does it mean to be listed as a “dependent”?

Nobody actually knows! If you’re feeling dependent-y, check the box. If not, fuck it!

5. “Do I have to pay taxes?”

Technically, no! Most large corporations distribute funds internationally so that they’ll be held accountable for less than 2% of their annual income. If you think you qualify, contact Jef Bezos for more info.

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