NEWARK- According to police reports, Newark IKEA manager Carlos Ortega was crippled by a Scandiavian mobster on Thursday after refusing a monthly fee. Witnesses identified Lars Jorgensson, known to law enforcement as “The Mad Fjördman,” as the culprit. Jorgenson is considered the most prolific Nordic mafioso in the tri-state area, with at least eleven Ikea-based assaults with a DIY weapon attributed to the hostile Swede.
Criminal profilers say Jorgensson controls as many as thirty-four Ikea branches, extorting fees from each location’s meatball profits. As of March, Jorgensson had extorted as much as 4,000 swedish kronar from the Newark facility in this year alone (around 400 USD).
“At first he sent Kristoff and Javall, his goons, to bust up the Söllefeteas and Årstids. He arrived before I could find a little L-shaped screwdriver to fix the stuff,” Ortega groaned. He described being “bound to a Hattefjälle” as Jorgensson and his associates delivered blows with “Torsklints” ripped from the “Bekants” in aisle six.
“We had to review the store inventory to decipher what the fuck happened to him,” confessed officer John Ridgely. “We couldn’t tell if they used shower rods, sofa supports or bookshelves on this guy until we flipped through the online catalog.” Authorities confirmed Jorgensson’s presence at the scene by his signature calling card: furniture kits shuffled from their assigned aisle numbers. “This guy leaves chaos in his wake,” sighed Interpol agent Corey Levitt. “It’ll take Ikea staff days to move the Poängs back to aisle thirty-eight, bin thirty-four, and the Kiviks back to three-twenty six. It’s a goddamn nightmare.”
Onsite medics say the damage to Ortega’s frame was worsened by first responder delays in navigating the facility. “At one point we were in the succulents section and somehow ended up in children’s decor. The guy almost bled out while we figured out the difference between “showroom” and “warehouse,” confided one EMT to reporters.
Victims of the Swedish syndicate say they preferred past control by the Italian crime families. “Those guys were brutal, but there was fanfare to them, more panache. With these guys the efficiency is downright scary,” commented one employee. At press time, investigators were seen in high-speed pursuit of Jorgensson’s vehicle, a 2018 Volvo Hybrid.
The (Near) New York Times 