Local

Nation’s Pre-Schoolers Enter Into Hostage Negotiation to Retrieve Noses

CHARLOTTE- Thousands of pre-schoolers united in Washington this week to broker the safe return of their noses, according to reports. The joint hostage negotation team, led by one-year-old Leonard “Ducky” Wilcox, swore any nose unreturned was “a deal-breaker.”

“No nose left behind,” affirmed Wilcox’s Tuesday playdate, Jerrod Alcott. “We’re not budging until every closed hand, pocket and spot behind someone’s ear have been thoroughly vetted.” 

Crisis force members additionally slammed the “patronizing” response of the accused nose-takers. “We’ve been given zero proof of life. The bastards either claim they don’t have them, or that they must have ‘lost them somewhere,'” Alcott said, angrily shaking a spoon shaped like an airplane.

“It’s haunting to see folks who don’t end up getting their nose back,” sighed former line-leader Dot Parneckie. “You see them carried away, howling. They come back from nap time and they’re never the same.” 

Wilcox called on influential public figures, such as Peppa Pig and Caillou Morgenstern, to mount pressure campaigns against the captors. “We need the big red dogs and talking trains of the country to demand resolution of this crisis,” pronounced the aspiring firefighter-astronaut.

Efforts to partner with law enforcement have yielded “awws” and “giggles,” per Wilcox. A phone call with Social Services was stonewalled when the hotline operator realized the children themselves had not been kidnapped. “They tried to spin the whole scenario as a misunderstanding of object permanence. Like, lady, I know when my nose is stolen; the monsters paraded mine around between their ring and middle finger for a half hour.” 

At press time, the team was meeting to propose wearing that sweater mom wanted for Easter as a gesture of good faith. 

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