Business Politics

NRA Debuts Guns for Dogs

FAIRFAX-  In partnership with several weapons manufacturers, the NRA debuted its long-awaited “guns for dogs” initiative at a Thursday press conference. “Home invaders will think twice when they see a rottweiler strapped with an assault rifle,” declared president Carolyn D. Meadows.  

Several gun producers in attendance announced breed-specific firearms for 2020, classed by weight. The “infantry” class, recommended for shepherds and spaniels, will feature AR-15s with bump stock upgrades, whereas retrievers and mastiffs can sport dual-mounted gatling guns. Owners of toy and miniature breeds can opt for dog-friendly Uzis, compatible with existing GoPro mounts.

Cat-friendly weapons caches are still “off the table,” says Meadows. “We’re concerned feline pets are indifferent to using these devices against owners and children. There is also fear that ‘outdoor’ cats have the intelligence to form localized militias.”

Though the NRA does not sell firearms, the organization intends to push for armed canines in government buildings, schools and banks. “The common factor to Sandy Hook, Parkland, and Columbine? That’s right: every single dog was unarmed,” said Meadows. 

“A good boy with a gun stops a bad guy with a gun,” insisted NRA surrogate Cal Friedrichs. “The sooner we outfit these easily-distracted, hyper-energetic animals with assault rifles, the safer our country will be.”

At press time, Meadows reminded NRA members that Joe Biden will try to steal both their guns and their dogs, if elected president.

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