DOVER- According to eyewitness reports, a Baltimore man was confirmed alive on Tuesday buried under thousands of unread emails. Experts say it may take EMS personel days to sift through Dan Fleming’s Gmail and ultimately recover the man from his inbox.
Emergency workers were first made aware of Mr. Fleming’s situation when his partner attempted to forward him a GIF, to no response.” “I glance over at his phone and the mail app reads 13,000,” Hammond Fleming recalls with a shudder. “I was worried he might really be lost in there for good.”
Volunteers say the lack of a pattern inhibits them from tracking Mr. Fleming’s vitals. “A flag here and there tells us he’s still breathing, but when the content flits from a Vineyard Vines birthday coupon to recipe chains with his high school chem teacher, there’s no way to infer the guy’s priorities.”
Frustrated friends and family members say Fleming has made no attempt to aid the rescue operation. “You’d think he’d make an effort to cull a layer from the top now and again, so we can see what’s what,” seethed his sister, Hannah Wheaton. “He told me all the unread ones were spam but how could he know that for sure?”
Rare breaks in the search come arrive in spots where Fleming seemingly began to sort through the messages, only to stop for months or years at a time. “Our guys come across pockets here and there where every Postmates confirmation has been opened, but then we’ll hit thirteen inches of Amazon Prime recommendations. It’s just a mess in there.”
At press time, respondents were perplexed by a wall of messages where Mr. Fleming had emailed himself several photos because AirDrop wasn’t working.
The (Near) New York Times 