BIRMINGHAM- In rankings published by The Family Research Institution on Friday, Downtown Birmingham was named the number one straight bar district in the nation. This marks the first year the Alabama town beat out both Colorado Springs and Laredo, typically heavy hitters in the heterosexual watering hole rankings.
“It’s nice to be recognized,” said resident Tim Porter of going the extra mile in creating social spaces by, and for, straights. “Every side-eye by our bouncers and half-mumbled slur from patrons takes around-the-clock commitment from our community members.”
Managers of the straight-friendly social scene voiced pride in beating out rivals across the border in Mississippi. “Those boys in Southaven gave us a run for our money this year. They even hired Kid Rock for a benefit night,” said business owner Stefani Ames.
John Wilmos, owner of Birmingham’s No-Nonsense Saloon, attributes the win to the town’s recent brunch culture. “Back in September we started organizing Drag King brunches every Sunday. For $10 we exclusively serve Bud-Light Orange while guests are treated to live performances from Dane Cook, Kevin Hart, Shane Gillis, and other famous straight comedians. Straight couples get entry half-off.”
Wilmos acknowledged the social and political challenges faced by Birmingham and the nation at large. “We wanted a specific space where straight men and women could socialize without feeling judged or taken advantage of. This space is open to everyone, but especially them.”
At press time, Chik-Fil-A’s owners announced the opening of six new locations in the downtown Birmingham area.