Business Culture

Dorsneyland Gets Shit Sued Out of It

ORLANDO- In a turn of events foreseen by most legal scholars, Orlando theme park Dorsneyland got the literal shit sued out of it in court filings submitted on Tuesday. The resort complex, founded by Roy Dorsney, was found guilty of “transparent plagiarism” on items ranging from characters, such as Morkey Mouse and Ronald Duck, to property names like Pepcot. “We are just getting fucking reamed,” confirmed Jonathon Fessler, the park’s legal counsel.

Dorsney, a former ghost impersonator for Magic Kingdom’s Haunted Mansion ride, made “minimal alterations” to costumes smuggled out of the park during his employment. “He gave Chip and Dale blond wigs but left all the other parts of the costumes intact” noted one prosecutor.

The legal battle has stalled final construction on fixtures of Dorsney’s park, including Splish Mountain and Cinderello’s Castle. “We were gonna have Short Hair Rapunzle and Wall-3 do a big reveal for the kids,” sighed Dorsney. “I was even gonna let families test the Bozz Lightyear ride.”

Financial advisors insist that, violent copyright infringement aside, Dorsney’s original concepts were “discomforting.” “The only character I didn’t recognize was ‘Damian the Well-Endowed Aardvark. The mock-ups I saw were unsettling,” said one man asked to invest. Other projects, he said, were more banal than the originals. “The only thing worse than Disney’s Hall of Presidents is Dorsney’s Hall of Secretaries of the Interior. Half of the ride is explaining what the position even entails.”

At press time, Mr. Dorsney announced he’d resolved long-running disputes over his flagship park, Borsch Gardens.

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