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Experts Recommend Getting Mom’s Attention Before Doing Sick Cannonball

RALEIGH- Citing several developments to previous theories, researchers at Johns Hopkins on Tuesday recommended making sure Mom is watching before doing your totally sick cannonball. “You’re going to want to make sure she’s watching even before you start pump-faking on the diving board guard rails,” said head clinician Paul McKenna. 

     Experts in the field stressed not wasting a triple-duper-special cannonball until your mother has a clear line of sight to you, with minimal distractions. “If she’s talking with Susan or adjusting the folding chair there’s a good chance she’s not actually watching,” cautioned one expert familiar with the findings. 

    Though previous studies proposed waiting for the lifeguard to direct their focus to the diving platform, new evidence suggest this isn’t crucial. “They see like a hundred of these a day so their undivided attention isn’t as important as that of your mom, who doesn’t get this kind of opportunity very often.”

    Members of the team added that mom will probably want to see a few cannonballs in succession to decide which one she likes best. “Don’t deprive your mother and, to a greater extent, Susan, of the opportunity to see variations on your signature move,” wrote Dr. McKenna. Other plays to be showcased could include pretending to not know where the diving board ends, or having a colleague pretend to shoot you from elsewhere in the deep end, he suggested.

In conclusion, McKenna advised, never settle for less. “Don’t let up until you’ve gotten at least one “wow” or “big splash” from your mom and any assembled company, at which point you can break away for Sharks and Minnows to show off your speed.

At press time, further trials confirmed you should yell something funny or cool just before entering the water.

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