BETHESDA- According to local insiders, area man Neil Haggarty emphat- ically proposed his friend group play “fuck, marry, kill” at a post-work happy hour on Thursday, unaware that everyone present would elect to kill him.
Haggarty, considered the “least essential” of the former college pals, was reportedly clueless that he has long been the unanimous “kill” choice for every member of his inner circle. To make matters worse, the proposal is not the first time the game was suggested by the one member of the group the rest would unanimously vote to murder, according to his friends. “He keeps bringing it up and I feel like he’s gonna be upset at the answers,” said Thomas McKinley, who, given the option, would deposit Haggarty in an unmarked grave rather than marry or have sexual relations with him.
Experts believe Haggarty’s infatuation with the game stems from a “fundamental miscalculation” of his value to the group. According to sociologist Carl Stugartt, “If Mr. Haggarty knew exactly how wide the gap was between his friends’ interest in killing him against their next ordered preference (e.g. marry or kill), he would be pretty devastated. Frankly, it’s not even close.”
At press time, Haggarty’s friends shifted in their seats uncomfortably as the man joked they would all want to fuck him, probably.
Haggarty, 24, is unaware a text chain exists where his friends have all agreed he’s disposable.
The (Near) New York Times 