BOSTON- Scientists on Tuesday announced plans to study cultures from a Lexington man’s kitchen, where dishes were left in the sink long enough to sprout a dystopian society in the style of writer George Orwell. John Richards, 26, returned home from a weekend in Burlington to find his dishware had been neglected long enough to germinate futuristic urban sprawl dominated by a draconian cult of personality.
“I was washing a few things here and there, but before I knew it there were miniature intercoms strapped to the faucet announcing curfews,” confessed Richards. The quasi-fascist sink state, known to inhabitants as “Silverton,” is characterized by wealth disparity and archaic decision-making processes that seem to highlight capitalism’s friction with humanitarianism. “I made paella about a week ago, and now they’re using the skillet as an arena where the rich fight the poor,” Richards observed.
Scientists predict Richards could have cut the totalitarian regime off at the stem had he tossed the bowls in his dishwasher before its industrial revolution. “Even a quick rub down with a Brillo pad could have dealt with the rise of technocratic utilitarianism before it took hold in the utensils,” commented researcher Natasha Abramovitch.
Abromovitch added that initial studies have yielded mixed data on the regime’s structure. “It seems like the Tupperware people have things better than the citizens in the strainer, but no one’s worse off than those mining in the wok pot. The hierarchy feels like an allegory for the dangers of the industrial age” she wrote while examining cookware from Richards’ “game night” stir fry.