Politics

St. Louis Mayor Politely Asks City’s Homeless to Go Be Homeless Somewhere Else

KANSAS CITY- Speaking at a Tuesday press conference outside city hall, St. Louis mayor Lyda Krewson politely asked the city’s homeless to go be homeless somewhere else. “If it’s not too much trouble, I’d like to ask community members without access to permanent shelter to try being without shelter in another city, like Chicago or Memphis,” announced Krewson.

The longtime mayor, renowned for her magnanimous indifference to those without a roof over their head, selflessly announced ongoing plans to relocate St. Louisans taking refuge on the streets to somewhere that is not located in St. Louis but that still has streets. “Members of law enforcement have been advised to confiscate pesky tents and cumbersome rain flies to discourage our homeless from feeling obligated to be homeless in St. Louis as opposed to some other city where Ms. Krewson is not up for re-election,” wrote Daria Langford, Krewson’s PR liaison.

Allies to Crewson’s efforts say the recent pandemic spurred the mayor to action. “The Krewson machine wants to help the city’s homeless by trading in their ability to social distance in local parks for cramped, underfunded shelters where they won’t feel any pressure to talk to reporters about their social welfare experience,” wrote one political aide.

At press time, the mayor offered police holding cells as free shelter to homeless people of color.

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