“Do I Look Like an ATM?” Charon Shouts at Greek Soul Who Only Brought Large Bills

HADES – Tempers flared Tuesday on the River Styx as yet another soul arrived carrying only large bills to secure passage to the afterlife, prompting the ire of Underworld staff. “Do I look like a fucking ATM?” seethed Charon, ferryman of the damned, as the soul fumbled in his funereal garb for small change. Recent coin shortages among the living have trickled down to the Underworld, resulting in lengthy processing delays for the newly departed. Indeed, Hell’s administrators haven’t experienced such financial chaos since the collapse of the drachma. “Back then people were handing us turquoise and we were handing them back alpaca milk. We’ve done exact change ever since,” confirmed Beelzebub. Traditionally, souls are supposed to be buried with the ferryman’s fee, but the adoption of hundreds of new currencies and rampant inflation have vexed the Underworld financiers. “By the time we know what the euro is worth against the dollar there’s 10,000 more corpses shoving bills at us,” complained one senior level demon. Further adding to the headache? Cryptocurrencies. “Hades is already on my ass to start accepting Bitcoin. And now I’ve got yuppie pricks coming down here demanding to pay in NFTs,” grumbled Charon. The oarman said this could have been avoided if souls would stop chucking “wishing coins” in the Styx while awaiting their judgement. “Half of these dopes are lobbing quarters at the water asking for a Tesla. Dumbest shit I’ve ever seen.” At press time, Charon was seen arguing with a representative from Square about verifying his billing address.