TACOMA PARK – Thousands of tricksters convened on Thursday to announce the retirement of the “classic” toilet-paper prank in favor of aggressive cyberbullying. “It’s important that pranks evolve to meet the modern age,” announced Jeremy Rivens, 14, to assembled reporters outside his parents’ home. Rivens declared that “TP-ing”is an inefficient use of tricksters’ limited Halloween stomping hours. “In the same time it takes to mummify one bush you could have spammed someone’s Facebook wall with thirty “kill yourselfs.” That’s a lot of wasted opportunity.” For other tween vandals, the retirement of older pranks is a necessary financial re-write. “Every year I would torch a week’s worth of allowance on rolls of Charmin. Meanwhile, it’s free to create a dozen fake accounts calling Erika a fugly skank on YikYak,” wrote Reddit user u/sk8terGOD69. Whereas smashed pumpkins, stink bombs, and firecrackers invoke nostalgia, Rivens said he fears these gags are “too PC” and called on peers to up the ante. “Instead of ding dong ditching your math teacher, doxx them. Why chuck eggs at your neighbor’s windows when you can spam their Twitter with niche pornography instead?” At press time, the nation’s parents announced they’d like for kids to “just basically cut this shit out altogether.