HADDONFIELD- Citing utter shock in a press briefing Thursday, members of Michael Meyers’ defense team declared they were “blindsided” by eleven blockbuster films showing their client commit bi-annual sprees of unrepentant manslaughter. “How did we miss this,” sighed defense attorney Tom Barringer while speaking with reporters. Meyers’ legal council watched with dismay as prosecutors walked through twenty two hours of footage documenting 147 alleged murders by their reputationally challenged client. At recess, witnesses describe watching Meyers’ team excoriate the masked man outside the courtroom. “You didn’t think to mention those kids in the barn? Jesus, Michael….” huffed Mr. Barringer to the unflinching defendant. One person familiar with the defense said the team has struggled to find character witnesses to humanize the accused. “Basically anyone who’s ever met this guy has had a scythe through their face,” she opined. At press time, Mr. Barringer demanded the films be thrown out on grounds of state privacy law. “At no point did Mr. Meyers consent to be recorded over what amounts to several decades of surveillance. The jury will see that this case is an indictment of their own civil liberties,” declared Mr. Barringer, perspiring heavily. At press time Mr. Meyers was seen standing over the disemboweled corpses of several jury members, to the exasperation of his legal council.
The (Near) New York Times 