Culture Sports

NFL Asks Players to Self-Concuss in Event of Delayed Start to Season

Citing concern players would be denied access to professional head trauma, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell recommended the league’s athletes self-concuss in the event of a delayed start to the 2021 football season. “Our primary concern is that our guys have access to the life-altering neurological damage they’ve become accustomed to,” announced Goodell to assembled coaches Monday evening. Due to risk of viral spread, Goodell declared it wouldn’t be possible for players to shatter each other’s spines under safe conditions in September. “The last thing we want is an athlete walking onto the field to receive debilitating brain damage, only to be sidelined by the virus,” he said. Where possible, Goodell advised players to self-administer CTE on a weekly basis, to recreate typical play conditions. “We don’t want our guys to lose the tingly, light-headed feeling of a successful first down,” said one official in support of the measure. The commissioner also acknowledged some individuals would be unable to deliver the skull-cracking contact typical of league play without assistance. “If necessary, players may ask a teammate to help devastate their cerebral cortex,” he conceded. “However, no more than two players at a time should be trading paralysis-inducing, career-ending blows, for purposes of contact tracing.”

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