SEPTEMBER- Police officers arrested a scantily clad United States postal worker peddling Next Day delivery services in downtown Cleveland on Monday, according to local authorities. Witnesses claim the federal employee, dressed in fishnet stockings and a leather corset, attempted to seduce passerby with Two Day Air and First Priority rates as low as $2.98. “If it fits, it ships, Daddy,” cooed the mailman to onlookers. Ethics watchdogs confirmed that cuts to the USPS by the postmaster general have prompted a wave of bathroom stall mail-for-hire. “It’s a tragedy that so many of our distinguished couriers are out licking peoples’ stamps to make ends meet,” wrote Marjorie Gueld of the postal worker’s union. One passerby confessed she was tempted by the sultry delivery worker’s offers. “He said I could get overnight delivery on my absentee ballot if I subscribed to his Patreon,” said the flustered shopper. At press time, the postmaster general was seen hurling mail collection boxes into Lake Erie.