GENEVA- Speaking before assembled reporters on Friday, the world’s top scientists announced they still have no goddamn clue how platypuses are made. “We really thought we’d have an answer for you guys but these things have us fucking stumped,” declared head researcher Margaret Whitaker.
Despite a trove of data on animal reproductory processes, the panel proposed the platypus exists “in spite, or perhaps because of God,” after decades of fruitless debate. “At one point someone pitched us on a platypus stork that drops them in swamps and whatnot and we still can’t tell if he’s crazy or a goddamn genius,” confided Dr. Martina Castro.
The flummoxed team said that after thousands of diagrams adding animals to other animals, the math just doesn’t check out. “We’ve crunched the numbers a thousand times on this one. Each time we ended up with a duck, a beaver, and one time a snake. Not one time did we get a shit-sipping platypus,” spat medical expert Jacob Malroney.
All members of the panel dismissed the possibility that existing platypuses are creating new generations of offspring. “The ones that currently exist have always existed, possibly pre-dating the creation of the universe. Like matter, they can be neither created nor destroyed,” whispered one sleep-deprived analyst.
At press time, Whitaker proposed personally going undercover as a platypus to figure out what the fuck they do all day.
The (Near) New York Times 