Business

Oompa Loompas Sing, Drag Injured Amazon Worker From Factory Floor

INDIANAPOLIS- On Tuesday, workers at Indiana’s largest Amazon fulfillment center watched as singing Oompa Loompas dragged their injured co-worker from the factory floor, never to be seen again. The employee, Kamil Haggarty, triggered the impish disposal team by tripping on a stray package, according to reports. 

    “All of a sudden the wall slid back and they came out in jumpsuits, bobbing in time,” reported one anonymous co-worker. Staff described watching as Ms. Haggarty was tied and placed in a “comically large” box during a cryptic song about efficiency. “The baritone Oompa Loompa rhymed “slipping” with “two-day shipping,” so I think they were saying make our quotas? It definitely felt ominous.” 

    CEO Jeff Bezos, who acquired the Loompa team in Amazon’s absorption of Wonka in 2010, refuted claims of their “threatening aura.” “The Oompa Loompas are there for de-escalation. A quick song with a valuable lesson about tardiness or loyalty, and swift removal of the troublemaker.” 

    This week marks the third deployment of the orange enforcers in April alone; engineers say Geraldo Jimenez was removed via human fly paper after wasting company shipping tape. Another employee, Heather Grimwald, was flushed down a giant novelty toilet. “The head Oompa Loompa said Heather “ought to think” before “making so much stink.” I heard she’d been talking to OSHA reps so I think the song was anti-union,” whispered one co-worker.        When questioned about the whereabouts of Haggarty, Jimenez, and Grimwald, Mr. Bezos claimed to never have heard of such employees, and provided records disproving of their previous employment at Amazon.

    Since the incident, employees describe the atmosphere as “tense.” “Stay in the break room one second past your time and you’ll hear a song coming on. If the Oompa Loompas have already changed their outfits, it’s too late.”

At press time, a net-entangled assembly line worker was spotted being disposed via Amazon drones.

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