Culture Nonsense

Animal Crossing Review: I Fucked Tom Nook’s Wife And Now He Won’t Sell Me Berries

Released on March 20, Nintendo’s Animal Crossing: New Leaf is a fresh addition to a series beloved by kids and parents alike. But be warned, reader: I fucked Tom Nook’s wife, and now he won’t sell me berries. 

As a seasoned fan of the franchise, I was astounded by how quickly things turned after cuckolding the sad-eyed owner of the game’s general store. Within minutes, I found myself unable to purchase berries, wool, and/or fabrics, among other items. Such an embargo makes in-game tasks nearly impossible, including securing a spare key for the Nook cottage when Tom’s away. 

Reader, I’m just a man. When a non-playable character introduces himself as “a workaholic with little time for home,” it almost feels like my responsibility to ensure his spouse is satisfied, sexually. Had I known some light infidelity would render the game unplayable, I would never have engaged in a three-way with Nook’s disserviced spouse, Francine and Isabella, his secretary. 

If the game’s developers had made clear the retaliatory nature of their anthropomorphic raccoon people, I would have adjusted my behavior accordingly. Rather, I now have Pictochats of my face posted across the island, and I’ve been blacklisted everywhere from the docks to the orchards. 

I ask you reader, is a warning so much to ask? Is it so unreasonable to have a message upon booting up, a simple “before we start, don’t fuck Tom Nook’s wife, even if she says she’s in an open marriage?” The answer is no, and had the oversight not been made I would be delighting in gardening and surfing with the other townspeople, as opposed to wearing a shirt with a red letter “A”, the only clothing item available to me in Nook’s shop. 

In summary, four stars.

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