UNDERWORLD- Hell was abuzz this week as Satan began frantic preparations for the arrival of disgraced Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein to the eternal pit of flames. “I said the blood fountain next to the bone drapes. Yes, by the bird carcasses!” Shouted Satan above the din of activity.
Experts believe this is the largest event Hell has seen since the arrival of Joseph Stalin in 1953. “Dick Cheney was here for a half hour or so after one of his heart attacks. We learned our lesson on being prepared for an A-lister,” said one subdemon. “Satan really wants to make a bad first impression on this guy,” Lucifer added, stuffing vipers in Weinstein’s underworld mattress. “It’s not often you get a legend like ole Harv.”
According to reports, Satan hired additional demon staff exclusively for the upcoming occasion, enlisting help from staff on holiday. “Beelzebub flew back from his Danube Viking cruise. Said he wouldn’t miss it,” Lucifer told assembled reporters.
While Weinstein has not yet succumbed to the coronavirus, Satan expressed gratitude to God for giving him a head start. “We don’t always see eye to eye on souls, but on this guy even He was like “woof,” you know?” At press time, Satan was seen inspecting the electrified walker constructed for Weinstein’s usage.
The (Near) New York Times 